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I am overwhelmed by the genius of the newest Will Farrell comedy, Blades of Glory. (Trailer below). The tale of two rival competitive male figure skaters banned from the sport after a brawl on the medal stand; forced to come together as the first male figure skating pair in order to compete again. The story backs up my optimistic hope for the survival of our planet. If we are squeezed hard enough, we will have no choice but to open our hearts and come together. In a similar vein, last week in my blog, I shared the work of primatologist Dr. Frans de Waal as encouraging and supportive that our deeply wired, most basic self serving need of survival will ultimately be what allows us to evolve into a Global Community. In the meantime, however, the same wiring that drives us to care for the members of our own community can trigger a defensive stance against members of a different tribe.

Since that post, I was surprised to find that I feel competitive with another yoga teacher.

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When presented with an uncomfortable emotion, especially one that triggers the feelings of shame and embarrassment, the temptation to pretend it's not happening is huge. I have ideals and beliefs and preferences around how I want to feel and 'competitive' is not on the list. But acknowledging what is actually happening is the first step towards understanding the Truth. And Self investigation was never rumored to be easy.

Yogic philosophy presents the theory that as human beings, we are operating in 3 realms: the Physical, the Astral and the Casual. What we feel and experience in the Physical and Astral realms is the direct result of core beliefs that we hold in the Casual Body, the body of ideas. Our physical and emotional bodies are the loud speaker of our ideas. Not the ideas that we give lip service to, but our deepest held, and often inaccessible beliefs. (One of my teachers, Paul Grilley, talks about this below).

So, as an investigation, I am allowing this emotion to be information. And instead of rejecting it, I am attempting to pull on the thread and see what the root is. What is the basic understanding that is causing me to feel competitive? What is the belief in the Casual Realm that screws my face up, unleashes my claws and promotes an inner growl?

My hunch is that I must be misfiring from a misunderstanding about the True nature of Self. Feeling competitive could be the result of my wired survival instinct feeling threatened. To really grow out of these competitive feelings, my ideas about survival have to change. The idea that anything is a threat has to unravel. The idea of separateness has to soften and open to the possibility that we are really One. I have to evolve beyond my inner monkey.

Interestingly enough the focus of my practice and teaching for the last several weeks has been moving from the tailbone. The tailbone is rumored to be where the Muladhara, the root chakra, sits. The root chakra is understood as the nerve center of our basic survival needs. Had I known I was going to unleash such uncomfortable ego-blasting emotions, I might not have dug in and wiggled around so deliberately. Yet one of the ways the asana practice works is through the gradual rewiring of the nervous system to prefer states of vulnerability and openness. This means the awkward, sometimes painful shedding and release of the protective and defensive layers.

I am not suggesting that I have been successful. But once again I have been allowed to witness that sometimes my ideas about the way I should be get in the way of feeling and sensing what I actually am. And when I allow myself to really feel what is happening, the situation becomes a gift. The emotion is not Me, but an offering in the physical and astral realm to give insight into the Casual Body. A peek into the ideas that are shaping my current reality. And the perspective that the ideas can be changed.